To Forfeit Her Life? From Self-Denial to Self-Gift
Deny yourself.
Take up your cross.
Follow me.
In today’s Gospel from Matthew, after his epic admonition to Peter (“Get behind me, Satan!”), Jesus defines discipleship. A relatively straightforward reading of Matthew 16 has gifted me with experiences and relationships that have enlivened my world. My earnest desire to follow Jesus has influenced every step of my vocation in ministry, service, and justice work. It has shaped my relationships (in all their imperfections) to money and stuff, to work and advocacy, and most importantly, to human beings and the earth. Discipleship has determined the way I try (again, imperfectly) to love and grieve, to talk and listen, to create and imagine.
Deny yourself.
Take up your cross.
Follow me.
This text has a shadow side as well, if oversimplified and decontextualized. I am certainly not the first woman to name it. The expectations for discipleship as articulated in all the synoptic gospels have undeniably impacted the ways in which I have come to know (or not) and love (or not) core parts of myself: my body, my desire, my needs, and my emotions, to name a few. For many women, a perceived demand for self-erasure can obscure the true face of Christ in our lives, reflecting instead the subjugation of women throughout history and in the world today. This is a people problem, not a God problem.
Deny yourself.
Deny yourself.
Deny yourself.
A few years back, confounded by the task of reflecting on Christ the King, I found great solace and inspiration—as I often do—in the work of Catholic feminist theologians. In The Spiritual Exercises Reclaimed, Elizabeth Liebert, Katherine Dyckman, Mary Garvin, and Annemarie Paulin-Campbell use a feminist hermeneutic lens to acknowledge and reimagine the patriarchal and militaristic language of the Exercises that reflect St. Ignatius’ context. Rather than accepting or rejecting the retreat’s text as written, these theologians explore its Spirit-led possibilities and trust God’s desire for liberating spiritual journeys that honor women’s realities with intention.
Considering today’s Gospel anew, I once again find this resource helpful and consoling. Liebert et al. highlight the ways in which thoughtfully reframing certain texts can open up new access points between women and the Spirit, without diluting or disrespecting the substance of God’s inspired Self-expression.
For example, St. Ignatius’ First Principle and Foundation begins, “Human beings are created to praise, reverence, and serve God, our Lord” (80). Amen! “Paradoxically,” Liebert et al. write, “many women may need to pay attention to self as a prelude to paying attention to God, to discover for the first time—or all over again—the God present within the mystery of oneself. To turn away from self is to turn away from God, despite inner voices chanting ‘Don’t be selfish’” (80-81). They clarify that Ignatian indifference does not ask us to dull our passions or detach from feelings and desires, but rather, to get to know our authentic selves beyond patriarchy and people-pleasing, and from that place, to embrace God’s call for our lives. To truly say yes, we need the freedom to be able to say no.
Similarly, Ignatian meditations on the Two Standards and on Christ’s Passion glorify humility, poverty of spirit, and suffering with Christ. At their best, of course, these virtues connect people with God and people in need. They capture the redemptive possibilities found in the darkest moments of people’s lives. For many women, however, these ways of being have been imposed by unjust, dehumanizing systems, not freely chosen for the sake of God’s glory. The Christian call to self-sacrifice and the bearing of our crosses, though meaningfully grounded in Jesus’ self-outpouring, has been weaponized against women for centuries. Liebert et al. offer:
…humility carefully understood can open possibilities for women and remind them of
their power of choice. Humility means truth, both of one’s strengths and gifts of God, as well as one’s weaknesses and limitations: one’s reality before God. This truth provides a strong foundation for authentic discernment…Women themselves attest to the power and encouragement to do greater things that emerge out of an awareness of their gifts…A woman cannot have true humility unless she has a strong sense of self. Only then is she capable of self-transcendence (163).
So as we pray with today’s Gospel, let us take a breath and consider these theologians’ wisdom. May we grow as disciples who, rather than denying ourselves, come to truly know and love ourselves…disciples who freely choose to offer all we are to the God Who continues to create us.
Work Cited: Liebert, Elizabeth, and Annemarie Paulin-Campbell. The Spiritual Exercises Reclaimed: Uncovering Liberating Possibilities for Women. 2nd ed., Paulist Press, New York, 2022.
Katie Davis-Crowder is an Ignatian-trained educator and spiritual director, a singer and writer, and a presenter and retreat guide in Chicago. Passionate about the intersections of spirituality, social justice, and the arts, she holds an MDiv from Loyola University Chicago and a BMus in musical theatre from The Catholic University of America. Katie delights in the world alongside her partner Kevin and their sweet toddler and rambunctious rescue pup. katiedaviscrowder.com
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